The Heisei Hoods
by Magenta Fantasies
Summary: Yes, you read that right. Kaito Kid seeks his next target: a jeweled watch that belonged to the Civil War hero Stonewall Jackson, owned by none other than .D. Hogg. Kid figures this will be a cinch-there's only three cops in the county, and none of them are particularly skilled-but stealing the watch will be the least of his problems in a heist unlike any other.
1. Chapter 1

The Heisei Hoods

Part 1

"Attention passengers, Flight no. 320 will be landing in Atlanta soon. The current time in Atlanta is 9:46 AM. Please return your trays to the upright position and put your bags underneath your chairs. All electronic devices should be turned off. Before exiting the plane, please remove your personal belongings from the seat pockets."

**Now, y'all might be wondering, "Where is this and who is this guy? I'll get to that soon enough. 'Cause before we get to Hazzard, there's a couple things to get out of the way."**

Kaito Kuroba awoke to the sound of the pilot's voice coming through the loudspeakers. He had slept for almost the entire flight from Seattle. _Why couldn't my target be located on the _west _coast of the U.S.? The flight from Tokyo to Seattle was long enough already._ He thought back to all the research he'd done in preparation. This was the first time he had ever left Japan for a heist, but from the research he'd done, it was very possible that the watch of Stonewall Jackson could be exactly what he was looking for. It met all the criteria to be the Pandora: embedded inside of the watch's crystal face was a large diamond, and according to the ownership information he'd looked up, the watch was always kept locked inside a safe, where light couldn't touch it. According to Kaito's research, the watch was currently owned by the county commissioner of a place called Hazzard County. From what little he could find out, it seemed like a peaceful rural county with a tiny local police force. Kaito smirked. _This is going to be insultingly easy._

After walking around the airport for an hour, Kaito had to wonder if he'd made a mistake in his research and if Hazzard County was even a place. None of the maps that Kaito found had Hazzard County on it, and when he'd asked the shuttle service if they had a shuttle there, the receptionist laughed and told him if she'd never heard of it.

"It's probably some tiny place out in the boondocks," the receptionist had told him.

He'd looked into renting a car, but he couldn't drive well nor did he have a license. Kaito had driven a few times in the past, but only if a disguise called for it. He didn't fancy the idea of driving all over Georgia looking for a town. Having a car would do him no good if he didn't know how to get to Hazzard.

Right now Kaito was in the main parking garage, trying to find a taxi. He doubted he had the funds for a taxi ride; the yen-to-dollars exchange rate had left him with much less money than he'd expected. Riding a taxi could get expensive if Hazzard County was far away, but it couldn't hurt to ask.

A gruff voice echoed across the concrete walls. "So these are the supplies we're supposed to take to Hazzard County?"

Kaito perked up on hearing this, and wove his wave through the labyrinth of cars. As he made his way towards the voice, he kept to the walls to make sure the speaker didn't see him eavesdropping. Not that it was really eavesdropping; everything echoed in this parking garage, so he could overhear the conversation even if he wasn't trying to. He stopped for a moment, hiding behind one of the pillars.

"Yeah, announce it to the whole airport, why don't you?" a second voice snapped. By now, Kaito was close enough that he could see the men speaking. They were parked in a corner of the garage, loading large boxes into the back of an 18-wheeler. "There, that's the last of 'em. Now let's scram before the staff comes over here."

Kaito watched from behind a nearby sedan as the truckers closed the back of the truck. The instant they disappeared inside the cab, he hurried to the back of the truck. Keeping out of the rearview mirror's sight, he lifted the metal bar holding the doors shut and pried the doors open. If these truckers were going to Hazzard, then he could catch a ride with them. Kaito nestled himself between two large boxes as the truck began to move. The boxes seemed to be secured, so getting crushed when the truck picked up speed wouldn't be an issue.

_I'll have to find a way to get back to the airport, but I'll sort that out later. For now, the hardest part of this heist is behind me._

**Author's Comments**

Earlier I was thinking about how when Kaito Kid does one of his thefts, it's usually in a city. This got me thinking, "What would happen if one of his targets was in the middle of nowhere?" I thought more about where the story would be set, and began going about brainstorming a setting and characters. Shortly after, a better idea came to me. A place in the country where bizarre crimes are the order of the day: Hazzard County.

Hence how you get this _really_ strange idea. I decided I wanted to write a few parts of this and see how it turned out. I have six other chapters written at the point of uploading this (8/31/14) but though they're written out, there are details in them that I haven't filled in. Either way, this was a fun (if bizarre) summer project, and I hope to upload the other chapters relatively soon.

The **bold** indicates the Balladeer's dialogue. I knew from the start that I wanted to have the balladeer add in bits of narration in this fanfic. It's just not the same without his humorous, occasionally snarky commentary and exposition. This should only get funnier as Kaito arrives in Hazzard and the plot really picks up.

I've decided that language barriers shouldn't be an issue; either Kaito (and other characters who may appear later) speaks English fluently or this is some alternate timeline where Japan took over the U.S. during WWII and everyone speaks Japanese. Take your pick. Language barriers (almost) never came up in Detective Conan; periodically characters appear from all over the world and yet practically all of them speak perfect Japanese.


	2. Chapter 2

The Heisei Hoods

Part 2

With each minute that passed, Kaito regretted stowing away in the back of the eighteen-wheeler more and more.

After leaving the air-conditioned interior of the airport, he'd thought that the parking lot was hot and humid, but sitting in this truck was like sitting inside of a sauna. The air was thick and moist, and even the boxes seemed to be sweating from the profuse heat. Kaito took his shirt off and waved it like a fan in a feeble attempt to give himself some cool air. In one of the corners, he spotted a colorful box much smaller than any of the others. _Soda! I hope there's still some left._ He picked his way through the piles of boxes until he was in the corner with the soda box. The box was already torn open, but five of the soda rings had cans in them. Even the metal cans felt hot to the touch. Kaito shrugged and popped the tab on one. Not only was the soda flatter than a cooking sheet, but it was just as warm. _It's better than nothing, but I still don't feel any cooler._

The doors rattled as the eighteen-wheeler went around a corner. For a moment, Kaito caught a flash of light and a marginally cooler breeze. He navigated his way through the boxes until he was at the other end of the truck, near the back doors. As he looked over the sides of the wall closest to the door, he spotted a little lever. _Just as I thought. There had to be some way to open this door from the inside. _With a gentle nudge, Kaito opened the door a crack.

**Better not open that door too wide. You might get more than breeze; you'll either get the truckers to stop or you'll go flying out the back.**

Warm but fresh air streamed through the crack. Kaito could see outside through the inch or two that the door had opened.

"Wow, it's beautiful around here," he breathed.

The eighteen-wheeler was driving on a winding road leading through the mountains. On one side of the road was lush greenery. Trees in full leaf rose up along the side of the road, and every inch of space was filled with ferns, bushes and vines. Moss and flowers grew between the cracks of the cliff face that rose up above the road. On the other side was a sheer cliff, with only a metal fence and less than a foot of verge separating the drop from the eighteen-wheeler. In spite of this, Kaito didn't feel intimidated. Heights had never bothered him. If anything, he was enthralled by the scenery.

Below the road was a verdant valley dotted with small towns and farms. The sun glinted off a river running between two of the distant mountains. The mountains flattened farther back and a smudge of gray that Kaito assumed was Atlanta laid at the horizon.

Kaito fell backward as the eighteen-wheeler hit a rough patch of road. Maybe it was his imagination, but the truck seemed to be slowing down. He got to his feet and peered out the crack. Soon he saw a sign reading "Inspection Stop: ½ Mile". Kaito grabbed his suitcase and flung open the top of one of the boxes; it appeared large enough for him to fit inside. He threw out some of the Styrofoam peanuts inside, careful to tuck them out of sight behind some other boxes. The truck rolled to a stop as Kaito closed the lid of the box. It was large enough that he could fit himself and his suitcase inside with space to spare. He shuffled around inside, trying to make himself at least somewhat comfortable on top of the plastic and metal contents. Though the inside of the box was dark, except for a sliver of light coming through the top, Kaito could see the contents. Below him was a set of large drills and a jackhammer, along with some helmets. _I wonder what these would be used for?_

A couple minutes later, he heard expletives muttered in a strong Southern accent along with the back door opening. Kaito groped around in his suitcase for a smoke bomb, and tucked a few into his pockets. _If worst comes to worst, I can drop a few of these and flee out the back. I don't know where I'll go from there or how I'll get to Hazzard, but I'll sort that out as I go._

Three sets of voices, all with the same drawl, grew closer until Kaito could hear one of them.

"We're already late for our delivery. Can't you just count the boxes and let us go?"

A third voice spoke that Kaito didn't recognize. He figured it must be the inspector at the truck stop. "All right, but next time you watch your mouth, boy, or I'll empty out every single box in the truck for inspection. By the way, you left your sweaty shirt in here."

Kaito froze. _I forgot to put my shirt back on when I hid!_ He slipped a smoke bomb into his hand in preparation.

"That's not mine," one of the truckers replied.

"Of course it's not. You wouldn't fit in that shirt, anyways," the second trucker added.

"It must belong to another trucker." With a clang, the inspector climbed into the back of the eighteen-wheeler and walked around.

Footsteps passed by Kaito's box, but the inspector didn't open it. After a minute, he hopped out of the back. "Y'all are under the legal weight limit, and good to go."

Moments later, the eighteen-wheeler roared to life, and took off down the highway. _They sure seem to be in a hurry, but it works out for me._ Kaito climbed out of the box and put his shirt back on, grimacing as the sweaty cloth covered his skin.

"I sure hope I'll get to Hazzard soon. In the meantime, I'll practice speaking with a Southern accent." Kaito was already talented at imitating other's voices, but having the regional dialect down might come in handy. Besides, he found the dialect charming.

**Author's Comments**

In The Dukes of Hazzard, the first few episodes were actually filmed in Covington, Georgia. After that, the production team moved the filming to California, and it really shows, at least to someone who's been to the Deep South. Georgia is very lush and green, with thick foliage and large bushes. The scenery in most TDoH episodes is dry, rocky and scrubby, more like chaparral. The 2005 movie was filmed in Louisiana, and I'm not sure where the 2007 movie, The Beginning, was filmed.


	3. Chapter 3

The Heisei Hoods

Part 3

The sun shone high above Hazzard County, casting a golden glow onto the roadside. The highway was empty, with only the distant rumblings of a car in the distance.

**Well, folks, it looks like another peaceful afternoon in Hazzard County. Even Route 36, Hazzard's main road, is empty. **

An orange racecar with a Confederate flag on the roof and a painted "No. 1" on the side barreled down the highway, with the sound of sirens not far behind.

**Whoops, might've spoken too soon.**

"What's Rosco after us for today?" Bo sighed. His curly blond hair brushed against the rear-view mirror as he turned to look at Luke. "We were driving the speed limit until his sirens started blaring." In spite of the annoyance in his voice, he had to admit he sometimes enjoyed these chases.

"Probably just the usual," Luke replied. "Trying to accuse us of breaking our probation, trying to stop us from paying the mortgage so Boss Hogg can foreclose on the Duke Farm, trying to charge us with a trumped-up speeding ticket for money or to take away the General Lee. Take your pick."

"Works for me."

Luke peered into the rear-view mirror. "Rosco's not too far behind. You want to lose him at the next exit?"

"Why wait?" Bo jerked the steering wheel to the left and cut across the yellow line on the highway. The General Lee shot over the edge of the highway, clattering over the rubble along the sides before it went through the field. Bo swerved away as the General Lee approached the thick woods beyond the field, and drove parallel to them, looking for an opening. Bo spotted a dirt road in the woods and turned onto it. A few minutes later, he turned to Luke.

"I don't see Rosco anymore."

"Really? I didn't think we'd lose him so easily. We haven't done any jumps or anything yet." Sure enough, Rosco wasn't visible in the rear-view mirror. It didn't even look like he'd crashed into anything.

"Maybe he's got something better to do than chase us?" Bo suggested.

"Something better to do than chase us? This is Rosco we're talking about. Either way, we won't be able to get back on the highway from here. Let's just take the back route to downtown."

**Meanwhile, in downtown Hazzard, something else was stirring.** **I think this could get interesting.**

_So this is what Hazzard County is like,_ Kaito thought as he walked through downtown Hazzard, suitcase in hand. Once the truck had left the highway and stopped at a red light, he had climbed out the back. Already he had walked for a mile or so. The roads downtown were lined with brick and wood buildings, none standing more than three stories tall. In the center was a small park filled with greenery and a gazebo._ I kind of like it; it's quaint. Wherever Stonewall Jackson's watch is, I bet it'll be a cinch to take._

"Hello, there. Are you lost?"

"Huh?" Kaito turned to look at a man coming out of one of the buildings. "No, not really." It was a small downtown; how could he possibly get lost?

"Oh, sorry. You looked like you were searching for something. You're not from around here, are you?"

"No, I'm not," Kaito replied. _You'd sure be surprised to know how far I came._ "Actually, I'm looking for the Hazzard Hotel."

"That's over there," the man pointed to the right. "Walk that way for about a block, and you'll find it. It's not hard to spot. Have a nice day."

"Thanks, you too." _People sure are polite around here,_ Kaito thought as he walked in the direction the man indicated. Up ahead, he spotted a two-story wooden building with the sign "Hazzard Hotel" hanging from its upper balcony, along with two wicker baskets filled with flowers. It was an unpretentious but charming building, much like the rest of the town. Kaito walked up the steps on the porch, passing a set of rocking chairs and a bench. It was a relief to get out of the heat and the intense sunlight. A gentle chime rang as he opened the door, but there was no one in the lobby to hear it. Even the receptionist's desk was empty.

_I guess I'll just have to wait. I'll get some things done while I'm here, _Kaito figured. He sat down in one of the cotton armchairs, and picked up a phone book on the coffee table. The phone book was rather thin, so searching through it wouldn't take too long.

"The watch belonged to a guy named Jefferson Davis Hogg. Let's see here…oh! He has almost a whole page of addresses listed; he must be someone important. It looks like 'The Boar's Nest' is where he wants most of his calls to go to. I think it's a safe bet he keeps the watch there. It would make sense to have something like that on display."

Kaito continued skimming through the phone book as he waited. Eventually, a voice interrupted his reading.

"Welcome to the Hazzard Hotel. How can I help you, sir?" A middle-aged woman headed into the lobby through one of the doors, looking intently at him. Before he could get up, she hurried over to him, her long braid of caramel hair swinging behind her. "I'll get you checked in right away. We don't get too many guests around here. What brings you to Hazzard County?"

Kaito wasn't sure if he should be flattered or annoyed. _Why is everybody so interested in me and why I'm here? I haven't even done anything yet._ He realized that this lady wasn't going to give him any peace until he answered. He paused to think up an excuse. "I'm here to visit my aunt."

"Who's she? I bet I've heard of her before."

With a glance down into the phonebook, Kaito tried to pick out a name. Currently he was on the "C" page, and his fingers rested just above a name. "Esther Cryan. I'm her nephew-" He flipped to a different page and pieced together bits from two other names. "Kyle Kurtz. I'm visiting from Atlanta."

The receptionist looked surprised, and became quiet for a moment, as if lost in thought. Kaito decided to burst the awkward silence. "What's wrong?"

"Hon, Esther Cryan died six months ago."

_Shoot! That wasn't a good person to pick. _Thinking quick, Kaito faked a sad sigh. "That's why I'm here. I was called up from Atlanta to sort out an inheritance dispute. I was very close to Aunt Esther, and it really upsets me to talk about her death, so could you please drop the topic?"

That bit of acting seemed to work, as the receptionist moved on. "I'm sorry about bringing that up. Would you like me to get your room key?"

"How much is it to stay here?" Kaito asked.

"Forty dollars a night."

_Only forty dollars a night? Fantastic! _He opened up his suitcase and pulled out his wallet. The exchange rate from yen to dollars at the airport had drained most of his money, so he had less cash than he'd originally planned to bring. "Here you go, ma'am."

"Thank you." The receptionist disappeared behind her desk for a moment, then came back with a room key on a metal chain. On the chain was a piece of paper with a 5 on it. "You have a good stay in Hazzard County."

**Author's Comments**

I have a headcanon that had the English Detective Conan dub "Case Closed" not ended (and/or if Funimation dubs the new Magic Kaito anime that's coming out this fall, which would be really ironic) that Kaito Kuroba's English name would have been Kyle Kurtz. That's why I picked that name. I have speculated anglicized names for a few other Detective Conan characters just for the heck of it. If you're curious, ask and I'll tell you my theories.

As for "Esther Cryan", that name has a funny origin. In the Jessica Simpson version of "These Boots Were Made for Walking" (I love that song!), one of the lines is "I'mma send you home to Esther cryin' / but Uncle Jesse sure is gonna be proud". I haven't seen all of The Dukes of Hazzard episodes, but I don't ever remember there being a character named Esther. If there was, she must've been a character of the day or something. Regardless, I decided to form the name "Esther Cryan" from that.


End file.
